1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Stupid's.
2. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
3. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
4. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live
with.
5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
6. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
7. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
8. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
9. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
10. No one ever says, 'It's only a game!' when their team is winning.
11. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.
12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
~La vie est belle, Bri~
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Friday, February 17, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
The English Language
This creative teacher took the time to show kids how difficult English
can be for someone trying to learn it.
Read on below:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
~La vie est belle, Bri~
can be for someone trying to learn it.
Read on below:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig..
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick' ?
~La vie est belle, Bri~
Sunday, January 22, 2012
7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
~La vie est belle, Bri~
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'
~La vie est belle, Bri~
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Five and Ten Year Plans
In Five Years I will have…
I could have…
In Ten Years I will have…
I could have…
- Graduated from high school in the spring of 2014
- Been accepted to a college (an arts college or BYU) and attended my Freshman and Sophomore years (2014-15, 2015-16) studying dance, business management, and creative writing.
- Attended church diligently
I could have…
- Taught at a local studio of dance for extra money
- Visited my family for holidays
- Gotten tan
In Ten Years I will have…
- Graduated college with a (doctorate? Bachelors?) in dance.
- Gotten married in the temple.
- Opened a dance studio (with Renaye?) in (a state that’s not too warm but not too cold).
I could have…
- Held a calling in the church.
- Visited with old friends.
- Watched Helen perform an amazing ballet piece with a ballet company.
My Goals
My Goals (Summer 2012)
1) Dance at Sonja’s
a. Ballet 2b
b. Jazz 3b
c. Lyrical 2
d. Modern 1/2
2) Get through Pre-Algebra
3) Catch up in Seminary
What I need
1) Dance
a. $700+ for classes and gas/food
b. Advance in my classes during spring semester
2) Math
a. Workbook
b. Time
3) Seminary
a. Scriptures
b. Manual
c. Time
My Plans
Dance
1) Advance to the higher classes (mentioned above)
a. Be more attentive in class
b. Workout/Stretch Daily
i. 10 minute jog
ii. 50 crunches
iii. Ballet ab work
iv. Other stretches
c. Practice more
i. Barre work
d. More outgoing in class
i. Ask questions (at the end of class, preferably)
e. Eat healthier
i. Not a diet, just healthier food. No more McDonald’s and soda all the time!
2) Money
a. Penny Per Page
i. “I’m working towards a scholarship for dance”.
ii. Maybe make a video of me dancing, and explaining what I want?
b. Babysitting
i. For gas/food money
c. Photography
i. Ask mom
Pre-Algebra
1) Do an hour a day
a. Stay on schedule
Seminary
1) Do a lesson a day
a. Extra when I can
2) Read my scriptures
a. Every night
Friday, November 4, 2011
You may live in Alaska if....
Since I live in Alaska, I found this hilarious:
You may live in Alaska...
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Alaskans:
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Alaska.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Alaska.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Alaska.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Alaska.
If you know several people who have hit a moose more than once, you may live in Alaska.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Alaska.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Alaska.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Alaska.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Alaska.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Alaska.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Alaska.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Alaska.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Alaska.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Alaska.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Alaska.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to your entire Alaskan friends & others, you definitely live in Alaska..
~La vie est belle, Bri~
You may live in Alaska...
Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Alaskans:
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Alaska.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Alaska.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Alaska.
If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Alaska.
If you know several people who have hit a moose more than once, you may live in Alaska.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Alaska.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Alaska.
If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Alaska.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Alaska.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Alaska.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Alaska.
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Alaska.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Alaska.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Alaska.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Alaska.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to your entire Alaskan friends & others, you definitely live in Alaska..
~La vie est belle, Bri~
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)